Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
