New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
