Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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