im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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