I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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