that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
