how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
