so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
