Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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