Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
