do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
