btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
