If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
