I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
