A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
