I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
