He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
