If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
