I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize