Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
