i jhust puked up my retainher.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
