dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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