You can't motorboat a personality
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
