this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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