I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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