I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
