I cut my penus on the lid.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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