i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
