If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
