I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
