This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
