Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize