I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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