You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
