do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
