You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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