I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
