her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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