I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
