After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My feet surprised me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
