Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
