May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
