I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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