the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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