Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
