if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Houston, we have a squirter
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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