Swine flu. Run for my life!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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