bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
