Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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