He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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