Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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