I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
