i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
