I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
