Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
