ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
