I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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