At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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