just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
