he thought i was a dude.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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