Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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