Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
