I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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