How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize