Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
