Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
