I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Found the puke drawer
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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