If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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