Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
