Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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